RELIGIOUS
JOKES
Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit.
Sikhism:
Leave our shit alone
Subject : Jesus and Satan…… Jesus and Satan have an discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."…………………………………………………………………………………………….
Subject: Jesus Christ……..The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One ofthe wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorwayas he entered the stable."Jesus Christ!" he shouted.Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"
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Subject: Moses, Jesus, Mohammed and the beautiful girl (profane)…..…One time, Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed were walking about when they sawthis great looking woman. They all were enthralled with her and eachwanted to have her, but they couldnt agree who."I should have her", said Moses. "I'm the eldest." "I should have her", said Jesus. "I'm still a virgin." "I should have her", said Mohammed. "I've got the most experience."And so they argued. Finally, they decided to settle with a game of dice.Each throws two dice, the highest throw gets the girl. Moses goes first and throws the dice : 5,5. Not bad, a 10. Mohammed goes next : 5,6. Woah,11. Then its Jesus's turn. "Alright, Jesus, none of yer miracles now," theysay. Jesus throws the dice : 6,6. Thats a 12. Okay, he gets the girl.All of a sudden these HUGE dice fall from the sky : 6,7. The girl goes up.
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Subject: Adam and Eve……..One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out toGod, "Lord, I have a problem.""What's the problem, Adam?", God replies."Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded mewith this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'mjust not happy""Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens."Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely foodand all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you.""What's a 'woman', Lord?""This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to makeyou happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice."Sounds great.""She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies."She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"The rest, as they say, is history.
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Subject: Bible jokes…….
What's the first sign of football in the bible? Jesus going for the cross.
What's the first sign of foul play in the bible? Jesus going for the cross and getting nailed.
What's the first sign of drugs in the bible? Moses came down from the mountain with the tablets.
RUDE JOKES