A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when
she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would
really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this
beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh
really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!" The girlfriend
asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be
here. My husband will be home soon!"……….
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of
the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to
do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked.
"Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."
* * * * * *
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
These are the Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars IV: A New Hope"…..
- "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
- "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
- "Look at the size of that thing!"
- "Sorry about the mess..."
- "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
- "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
- "You've got something jammed in here real good."
- "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
- "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
- Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"...
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back……
1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?"
4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
6. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."
7. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"...
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi
1. "Rise, my friend."
2. "Open the back door!"
3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
4. "It's just a dead animal..."
5. "Not bad for a little furball."
6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two."
9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."
Subject: dog's name
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis:
- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. - I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis is my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
- If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys. - Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
- Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
- Stop kicking Mypenis. - When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.
- Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
- Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.
- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.
- There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.
- I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
Subject: so, you have a pentium....huh huh…..
Why a pentium is like a penis:When a guy first realizes he has one, he plays with it for 2 weeks straight.
The more money you spend, the more hard drive you get.
Guys are always comparing the size of them.
For enough money, ANYONE can own one.
Once you are on a pentium, you never go back to a smaller model.
No matter how big your hard drive is, it is more important how you use it.
Men like playing games with it. (In fact, so do some women)
After a while, men begin to think with it.
Sometimes, it goes too fast and you can't see what you are doing.
If you know how to push the right buttons, you can get a lot out of it.
If you aren't experienced enough to use it, speed doesn't matter.
If you use it too much, your mother board just might explode.
Every once in a while you have to clean it.
Pentium envy....nuff said
Every once in a while you need a hired professional to come and look at it.
Extensions are available on the market.
If you wait too long, it becomes obsolete.
You can smear chocolate sauce all over it and lick it off. (Note: this is not highly recommended for the pentium) [also try peanut butter]
If you use it too often you might get a virus.
To optimize performance, you occasionally need to cover it.
Most people like to play with their pentium in private. (hired professionals excluded)If you don't insert the vital parts in the correct places, you don't get proper output.
Everyone is always looking for a hook up.
There is always room for jello (Note: this might inhibit the functioning of the pentium).
Ladies, always have a backup.
You get called names if you use it too often.
If a man finds out you have been using someone elses pentium, he tends to get jealous (He remidies this by buying a bigger hard drive)
Parents worry when their children know more about pentiums than they do.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, ''Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric.''
The husband replied, ''How about a chair?!?''
